Recently I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like something was wrong with me—fundamentally wrong.
I felt like I was broken, or like I was a square peg in a world of round holes. Or perhaps I felt like I was never going to get it, or that I was missing something that everyone else had. When that happens, there are a couple of paths people can take (or at least they were the ones I tried.)
The first is the path of anger, also known as the path where you listen to angry music (Bodies by Drowning Pool, anyone?) and hit stuff.
The path where the square peg takes a hacksaw and carves out a square hole, and if anyone gets in the way, that hacksaw can be used for more than one purpose. “AAARHGGG! Death and destruction and pain and mayhem!!!! I hate you all!!!” But anger is like a firework: it burns hot for a little while and then fizzles out, leaving you tired and with bruised knuckles.
Second is the loner route, where you say that other people are really more trouble than they’re worth, and that you don’t need any friends or other people at all really.
“I’ll just spend the rest of my life interacting with people only when necessary, and spend the rest of the time doing whatever I want to do.” Then reality intervenes and punches you in the spleen (I want to be a professor, which involves quite a few other people, so this would be a bad idea on my part).
Finally, the emotionless route, where one says that emotions are more trouble than they’re worth. “I will do away with emotion! I will act relatively politely to people I encounter, but only because I am denying myself negative emotions. Yay! Wait, no, I do not feel. I am a living statue. No exclamation points shall ever be used in regard to my sentences.”
And that lasts for a little while until you watch a funny YouTube video or stub your toe, a situation where it is impossible to react dispassionately.
Then I prayed hard (Wow, really? A Christian actually praying to God for help?) and this is the essence of what God said to me, put into words for your convenience:
God: So what are you complaining about?
Corey: I feel wrong…like I’m just not made right.
God: But I made you, and I do not make mistakes. You are not broken. You are who you need to be. You’ve added on to the original design, some good but mostly bad. I coded into your very DNA, your very person, the potential to be who you need to be to do what you need to do. You can be perfect for your purpose. I formed you as you are for a reason. So, do not curse your being, merely obey me and wait for your time. It may take a while, and frankly, it will hurt sometimes, but stay with me and I will continue to see you formed and shaped.
God: And shut up. Just relax with me for a while. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, and I tend to be right.
Corey: Thanks God.
God: It’s what I do.
So if anyone else out there still feels unfinished, rejoice. All masterpieces take time.